Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Day 10 - School Lunch Program
From this day forth, school principals and Board of Education staff will be required to eat school lunches. This should pretty much put an end to those 5-gallon buckets of green beans and the cardboard pizza!
Day 9 - Education...
Day 9 will show my commitment to education. By executive order, the 'No Child Left Behind' program will be replaced with the 'Some Kids Left Behind' program. The world needs plumbers! And hey, that's not a slam. If you are a plumber, you're probably bringing home more than I am!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Day 8 - Addressing the EZ-Pass Problem
On day 8, the department of transportation will be instructed to install speed traps in all EZ-Pass lanes. Not to catch speeders. But instead... to identify those drivers who insist on slowing to a crawl, or worse yet, coming to a complete stop in an EZ-Pass lane. This defeats the entire purpose of EZ-Pass!
Drivers who do not maintain the posted speed will be subject to the following:
First Offense - Audible alarm, flashing lights, and a bull-horn announcing your obnoxiousness.
Second Offense - Your car will be riddled with 200 paint-ball pellets.
Third Offense - The paint-ball pellets will be replaces with live 30mm rounds!
Special Exception: If you are one of those rare birds who comes to a complete stop and then leans over and rifles through your glove box looking for your EX-Pass device... your car will immediately be buried in 2000 lbs of septic sludge and your bank accounts will be emptied and given to the person behind you.
Have a nice day and drive safe!
Drivers who do not maintain the posted speed will be subject to the following:
First Offense - Audible alarm, flashing lights, and a bull-horn announcing your obnoxiousness.
Second Offense - Your car will be riddled with 200 paint-ball pellets.
Third Offense - The paint-ball pellets will be replaces with live 30mm rounds!
Special Exception: If you are one of those rare birds who comes to a complete stop and then leans over and rifles through your glove box looking for your EX-Pass device... your car will immediately be buried in 2000 lbs of septic sludge and your bank accounts will be emptied and given to the person behind you.
Have a nice day and drive safe!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Day 7 - A Day of Rest
On Day 7, the new president will rest. It's not easy running the country. In fact, Day 7 of any new president's first hundred days will be a Federal Holiday, with states encouraged to follow suit.
My restful day shall include sleeping in until about 10am. I'll be having sausage for breakfast. And after breakfast, I will do a 'little' work. I will be instructing the Department of Health to revise the food pyramid to include sausage, bacon, and pepperoni. Upon adding these to the food pyramid, a pizza with these three toppings, along with the bread crust, tomato sauce, and cheese, will be deemed a national health food. Work with me here. Remember, it's Sunday and I'm trying enjoy a day of rest.
So, go and enjoy your day.
My restful day shall include sleeping in until about 10am. I'll be having sausage for breakfast. And after breakfast, I will do a 'little' work. I will be instructing the Department of Health to revise the food pyramid to include sausage, bacon, and pepperoni. Upon adding these to the food pyramid, a pizza with these three toppings, along with the bread crust, tomato sauce, and cheese, will be deemed a national health food. Work with me here. Remember, it's Sunday and I'm trying enjoy a day of rest.
So, go and enjoy your day.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Day 6 - Schizophrenia and Taxes
On "Day 6" of my presidency, the IRS will be instructed to modify the rules regarding 'Exemptions'. Beginning with the next fiscal year, schizophrenics will be no longer be limited to a single exemption. With the provision of notarized clinical documentation of their multiple personality disorder, they will be allowed to claim each of their personalities as a separate exemption on their federal tax returns. However, all personalities making more than $100,000/year will be subject to the Alternative Minimum Tax for Schizophrenics (AMTS).
Additionally, the Department of Justice (DOJ) will be instructed to modify the sentencing criteria used to punish convicted schizophrenics. For example, a schizophrenic with 3 personalities committing a $250 offense will be subject to a $750 fine.
Schizophrenics experiencing both male and female personalities WILL be allowed to marry themselves. However, Social Security Survivor Benefits will not be available to a surviving personality upon the death of the other personality.
Additionally, the Department of Justice (DOJ) will be instructed to modify the sentencing criteria used to punish convicted schizophrenics. For example, a schizophrenic with 3 personalities committing a $250 offense will be subject to a $750 fine.
Schizophrenics experiencing both male and female personalities WILL be allowed to marry themselves. However, Social Security Survivor Benefits will not be available to a surviving personality upon the death of the other personality.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Day 5 - Executive Order #2
Day 5 - Another Executive Order (what's the sense of having all of this power if you aren't going to use it?)
By order of the President of the United States of America, all Monday Night Football games will start at 7pm in the time zone of the host city. No more will parents on the East Coast have to put their kids to bed before a game in their own home town starts. Yes, yes, this move might cut into advertising profits, I'm hard pressed to believe any of the players will end up on food stamps.
So let it be written, so let it be done.
By order of the President of the United States of America, all Monday Night Football games will start at 7pm in the time zone of the host city. No more will parents on the East Coast have to put their kids to bed before a game in their own home town starts. Yes, yes, this move might cut into advertising profits, I'm hard pressed to believe any of the players will end up on food stamps.
So let it be written, so let it be done.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Day 4 - Executive Order #1
Time to demonstrate a little executive power.
DAY FOUR - By Executive Order, anyone found driving more than 10 mph BELOW the speed limit in the LEFT LANE (often described as the 'passing lane') will be sentenced to 1-month of community service cleaning bathrooms at Arby's. It's hard to imagine that there would ever be a second offender, but if there is, they will spend an additional month EATING at Arby's. That ought to do the trick.
DAY FOUR - By Executive Order, anyone found driving more than 10 mph BELOW the speed limit in the LEFT LANE (often described as the 'passing lane') will be sentenced to 1-month of community service cleaning bathrooms at Arby's. It's hard to imagine that there would ever be a second offender, but if there is, they will spend an additional month EATING at Arby's. That ought to do the trick.
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