My First Hundred Days

Day 10 - School Lunch Program

2008-05-28T09:27:00.002-04:00

From this day forth, school principals and Board of Education staff will be required to eat school lunches. This should pretty much put an end to those 5-gallon buckets of green beans and the cardboard pizza!

Day 9 - Education...

2008-05-28T09:06:00.004-04:00

Day 9 will show my commitment to education. By executive order, the 'No Child Left Behind' program will be replaced with the 'Some Kids Left Behind' program. The world needs plumbers! And hey, that's not a slam. If you are a plumber, you're probably bringing home more than I am!

Day 8 - Addressing the EZ-Pass Problem

2008-05-15T09:58:00.003-04:00

On day 8, the department of transportation will be instructed to install speed traps in all EZ-Pass lanes. Not to catch speeders. But instead... to identify those drivers who insist on slowing to a crawl, or worse yet, coming to a complete stop in an EZ-Pass lane. This defeats the entire purpose of EZ-Pass!

Drivers who do not maintain the posted speed will be subject to the following:

First Offense - Audible alarm, flashing lights, and a bull-horn announcing your obnoxiousness.

Second Offense - Your car will be riddled with 200 paint-ball pellets.

Third Offense - The paint-ball pellets will be replaces with live 30mm rounds!

Special Exception: If you are one of those rare birds who comes to a complete stop and then leans over and rifles through your glove box looking for your EX-Pass device... your car will immediately be buried in 2000 lbs of septic sludge and your bank accounts will be emptied and given to the person behind you.

Have a nice day and drive safe!

Day 7 - A Day of Rest

2008-05-13T07:56:00.003-04:00

On Day 7, the new president will rest. It's not easy running the country. In fact, Day 7 of any new president's first hundred days will be a Federal Holiday, with states encouraged to follow suit.

My restful day shall include sleeping in until about 10am. I'll be having sausage for breakfast. And after breakfast, I will do a 'little' work. I will be instructing the Department of Health to revise the food pyramid to include sausage, bacon, and pepperoni. Upon adding these to the food pyramid, a pizza with these three toppings, along with the bread crust, tomato sauce, and cheese, will be deemed a national health food. Work with me here. Remember, it's Sunday and I'm trying enjoy a day of rest.

So, go and enjoy your day.

Day 6 - Schizophrenia and Taxes

2008-05-09T11:03:00.005-04:00

On "Day 6" of my presidency, the IRS will be instructed to modify the rules regarding 'Exemptions'. Beginning with the next fiscal year, schizophrenics will be no longer be limited to a single exemption. With the provision of notarized clinical documentation of their multiple personality disorder, they will be allowed to claim each of their personalities as a separate exemption on their federal tax returns. However, all personalities making more than $100,000/year will be subject to the Alternative Minimum Tax for Schizophrenics (AMTS).

Additionally, the Department of Justice (DOJ) will be instructed to modify the sentencing criteria used to punish convicted schizophrenics. For example, a schizophrenic with 3 personalities committing a $250 offense will be subject to a $750 fine.

Schizophrenics experiencing both male and female personalities WILL be allowed to marry themselves. However, Social Security Survivor Benefits will not be available to a surviving personality upon the death of the other personality.

Day 5 - Executive Order #2

2008-03-16T18:22:00.006-04:00

Day 5 - Another Executive Order (what's the sense of having all of this power if you aren't going to use it?)

By order of the President of the United States of America, all Monday Night Football games will start at 7pm in the time zone of the host city. No more will parents on the East Coast have to put their kids to bed before a game in their own home town starts. Yes, yes, this move might cut into advertising profits, I'm hard pressed to believe any of the players will end up on food stamps.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Day 4 - Executive Order #1

2008-03-15T02:34:00.004-04:00

Time to demonstrate a little executive power.

DAY FOUR - By Executive Order, anyone found driving more than 10 mph BELOW the speed limit in the LEFT LANE (often described as the 'passing lane') will be sentenced to 1-month of community service cleaning bathrooms at Arby's. It's hard to imagine that there would ever be a second offender, but if there is, they will spend an additional month EATING at Arby's. That ought to do the trick.

Day 3 - Quebec (phase 2)

2008-03-15T02:18:00.004-04:00

Those first two days in office were a bit tense, eh? Suffice it to say that there are some who won't be overjoyed by days 1 and 2! So, it's time to make somebody happy before you spend all of your political capital.

It seems that Day Two has left some unoccupied land to the North. This is fantastic news because we know some folks who would LOVE to live next door to us...

On DAY THREE, the land formerly know as Quebec will be offered (for a hefty price) to Israel. Think about it. They would have nice neighbors on all sides! And if they complain about not wanting to leave the Holy Land... not a problem. They can bring it with them. Look, if Dubai can build land where there once was none, we can certainly move land that already exists. We will put our engineers to work on it at once and come up with a plan to have everything brought over. Okay, so the land will be a bit cooler, but their neighbors will be warmer.

Now, it should be clear that this land will not be 'given' to them. They will pay a hefty fee for a perpetual lease, as a territory vs. a separate country. The money will go to pay down the National Debt. You remember that, right? It currently stands at about $30,000-35,000 for every man, woman, and child in the USA.

Day 2 - Quebec (phase 1)

2008-03-15T01:24:00.003-04:00

Being an American, it's hard to fully appreciate the Quebec thing. As best I can tell, they don't like the rest of Canada and want to be totally autonomous. At face value, I'm hip with that. Americans wanted autonomy from England. We wanted our own national identity. Our own country. It would appear that the French in Quebec want the same thing. But herein lies the problem. Having a one country that is totally surrounded by another is a recipe for disaster. It's just a matter of time before the fighting begins. Besides the French in Quebec already have a historical homeland. Isn't it called France? So, on DAY TWO, anyone wanting to leave will be provided a fully funded relocation to France. This could also be a win for France. I bet they'd love to more French move into their country!

Now, I must admit that Day Two is a bit of a gamble. I might have misjudged the whole Quebec thing and I didn't have much time to research it. But an American President needs to make bold decisions. They must be a President of ACTION. And more importantly, they need to have plausible deniability! Using a pre-defined set of action items for your First Hundred Days (see first post) provides an out. You can say the plan was provided to you and was based on the best information available at the time. It's also helpful to use words like Eminent Risk. That always works.

Day 1 - Canada...

2008-03-15T00:59:00.000-04:00

This is probably the most important day. It sets the tone for the entire first 100 days. Top issues among voters include such important topics as Health Care, Border Security, Global Warming... just to name a few. Day 1 will address several of these issues head on.

Day 1: Annex Canada

Think about it. There are tons of benefits for EVERYONE involved.

Health Care: Well, there you go. Instant national health care. We will have the best of both worlds. Americans who want national health care can move North. Canadians who are sick of waiting 16-months to get a mole checked can move South.

Border Security: Northern Border Issue - Solved. We can take all those border agents (Canadian and US) and move them to the Southern boarder (more on that border later).

Global Warming and Energy: This is actually a DOUBLE bonus. First, we put up Wind Turbines in NorthWest Territories and in Yukon. This will generate incredible amounts of energy. But how does this help with Global Warming? Easy... we point the turbines South so that all of the cold air is blown into the states to help offset the global warming in the US.
Problem Solved.

Crime: Okay... one word... Royal Canadian Mounties. (yes, I realize it's three words... but that doesn't sound as dramatic now... does it?).

But what's in it for the Canadians? - Plenty!!!

Health Care: Yes, we touched on this above, but it's worth noting again.

Political Participation: Instead of having to sit idly by watching us find new ways to create an election circus every 4 years, now they can participate! Instead of complaining about our blunders, they will have a voice at the table. And when they have a grip about us, we might actually listen because they have a vote!

Cheaper Labor: Canadians will have easier access to the migrant labor force that Americans have enjoyed for years!!!

More Holidays: Just think about it... Thanksgiving... Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, Flag Day, Presidents Day, MLK Day. What's not to like about that. Canadians could easily pick up another 6-8 paid holidays!

National Anthem Upgrade: You've gotta admit that ours is a bit catchier and dramatic...

It's clear to see how day one is going to be a GREAT day!

Disclaimer...

2008-03-15T00:44:00.000-04:00

This blog is intended to provide a humorous look at a fictitious first 100 days in office. So, don't go get'n your knickers in a twist about it. It's just a bit of cynical satire. There is no hidden agenda and no intention to offend any particular person or group, yet I'm sure somebody will be offended. But if your life is so good that you've got nothing better to worry about this blog... I'd gladly trade lives with you!

My political affiliation? I'm a hybrid. Seriously. And I run on Bio-Fuel. Turns out I have a built in Corn-to-Ethanol processing plant.

Regarding Copyright. This material is completely and permanently protected by law. It may be referenced, but not reproduced in any fashion.

My First Hundred Days - Why?

2008-03-15T00:43:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting phenomenon to watch as the election process has morphed into more of an entertainment event than then the incredibly important event that it is intended to be. Indeed, many surf the web daily looking for the latest train wreck of the candidates. A headline of a gaff brings a level of glee and excitement. It's much akin to those who watch a NASCAR race in hopes of seeing a 21-car pile up with vehicles being launched into the safety screens that protect the spectators. Add a car fire and it's a bonus. Yet, this thrill is tempered by a sincere desire that no drivers are actually 'hurt' along the way. This is probably where the analogy breaks down. In politics, there is no mercy. We can't wait for someone... ANYONE... to take a fall into the abyss of 'has beens'. Watching clips of Howard Dean screaming like a banshee is like watching old clips of Hogans Hero's and waiting for Colonel Klink to make an idiot of himself.

The victor... the last contestant standing at the end of the day... gets the spoils. They are crowned and given the keys to the kingdom. One would think that the victor would be able to enjoy the fruits of his success for at least a short grace period. But this is not to be. He or she must prove himself/herself. There must be a return on the political investment. You've been seated. Now perform. And not only must you perform. But you have ONE HUNDRED DAYS to show us your metal. That's it buddy. Yes, you will be in office for roughly 1461 days, but your first report card comes out in just 100 days. So you better get busy. There's not much time. In fact, you might want to start putting together your list beforehand. You need to be ready to hit the ground running.

To that end, as a faithful citizen of these United States of America, I offer you a ready-to-go agenda. You may use it in it's entirety, or you may take an "ale carte" approach. But don't delay. Special 'Pre-Election' pricing is available. Delaying your decision can result in costly delays!